Episode 101: Lydia Denworth
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Friendship Can Be A Template For All Other Relationships
When we first started to study the social brain as a species, friendship was considered a luxury, it didn't aid us in survival. But now studies show that friendship is vital to not only your mental health and happiness, but your immune system, your cognitive health and your overall longevity. So today we dig into the science behind friendship, with Lydia Denworth
Lydia Denworth is a contributing editor at Scientific American, and also the author of I Can Hear You Whisper: An Intimate Journey Through the Science of Sound and Language and most recently Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond.
We’ll hear all about loneliness, making friendship a priority, honing the skill of friendship, and quality vs quantity in our relationships.
Episode Quotes:
What is Friendship:
“I think that this science of friendship that I explored, it does two things. It clarifies the definition of what a friend really is, but it also blurs the lines between the categories you're talking about. Between family relatives and romantic partners and friends. And what I mean by that is that, um, you know, beyond the, the distinction I just gave of the, you know, these legal and biological differences with friendship, it turns out that the friendship, when we think about friendship as a biological and evolutionary relationship, what it really signifies is a high-quality bond between two individuals.”
The difference between loneliness and isolation:
“It's important to understand the difference between loneliness and social isolation, which was the thing that we pretty much all experienced during the pandemic. One is subjective. So loneliness is the mismatch between the amount of social connection you want and the amount that you have. And isolation, social isolation is more objective. It's an actual count of your social interactions and the number of people in your social circle. And it can be unhealthy for you too. To have a very limited amount of connection. But the way you feel about it, that subjective feeling, is where the real harm seems to come in with your health and wellbeing.”
Spouses as friends:
“So if we describe our spouse as our best friend or our sibling as a best friend, we're doing it to add something to the description. So it's a category. If I tell you, my husband is a friend. You know he's my husband, that means that we got married and we're connected that way. But when I tell you that he's my best friend, I'm telling you something about the quality of our relationship.”
Loneliness is a health issue:
“What we've now found is that that same response in the body that we get from loneliness, is a response in different kinds of adversity. So it's not unique to loneliness. What it's telling us is loneliness is right up there with huge trauma and poverty and other things. And that is the thing that nobody really appreciated until recently.“
Friendship takes time:
“So if you're an adult and you move to a new city and you're trying to make some new friends, you can get frustrated quickly. But you have to recognize that if you count up, say, I need 50 hours before this person is gonna feel like a friend. Then I think you might look at it differently. You might realize you have to just keep going back a bit more.“
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Stories By Lydia Denworth on Scientific American